I think ,therefore I.... suck at meditating.

Part of my wellness protocol is to meditate. I know the immune boosting benefits: awareness, stress reduction, lowering blood sugar, harmonizing my body. There have been many studies that prove that meditation is a tool for tapping into the energy to heal. All you need is to be able to breathe. So lets all be grateful that we can breathe. I have been steadily meditating for about two weeks now. I think the hardest part is convincing yourself that you have the time. Why is it so hard to give myself 5 minutes? My therapist would ask what I am afraid of( Did i mention i fired my therapist, 3rd ones a charm right) I think I have issues with meditation because I think "i am just not good at this" and after its done unlike a massage I'm not sure if i feel any better. So I started to look at it like a 401K, small deposits will pay off eventually, right Your Holiness?

I'll give you a sneak peek for what meditation is like for me: i know i am not alone.

Set pillow down. turn off lights. turn music on, light candle and...action!

"OK. OK aah this is good I'm glad I'm doing this. OK stop thinking about meditation and meditate. OK"

Focusing on my breath feeling the air up my nose breathing it out my mouth

"Look at that ,my exhale is causing the flame to move, maybe i should close my eyes"

breathing, chanting om with the music

" i wonder if my neighbors can hear me upstairs, i have the worst voice"

starting to shift around getting comfortable focusing on a few breaths

" I think i want to go to Pier 1 and get a nice floor pillow, then i will be able to meditate better. jeez grace your meditating and you are thinking about shopping retail, real zen. focus!"

Focusing on breath, going well

"I wonder how long its been. I don't care if my neighbors hear me I think i need to chant to focus"

Breathe in, Breathe out OMMM! .....

" When i am done with this i cant forget to check the mail, and call (insert name). come back to the flame. focus"

A few more breaths and... scene.


I kind of suck at this, but who's head is so empty that they can just sit down bam, zen? I envy people like that, they can carry that serenity throughout the day.  Really though,  are they not kind of sort of a little boring.   Anyway its been two weeks and I have to admit it does get easier to spend  time being instead of thinking.  

I do try to take a few precautions prior to sitting down to get some thoughts out of my head.  The house I grew up on was on a lake and we had a lot of canadian geese.  Wildlife is nice and all, but the shitty lawn (geese shit)was really no fun to play on.  The geese would come and I noticed there were a few approaches  to keep them away, which I compare to meditating.   Geese being the metaphorical thoughts shitting all over my meditation session.

          My mom's approach: she used to come out on the deck and yell "shoo."  I think it worked once but she kept on doing it for like 10 years. 

          My neighbors approach: He actually used to light firecrackers.  They actually would all fly away, but they would be back and dude that was just annoying.  so angry

          What really works:  If you get a dog they chase the geese away and they don't come back.  

So my dog is a pen- writing every single thing I could possibly think of that might come up in those minutes.  In hopes that they will not come back.  It is the ultimate to do list- I even write all the things i wonder, wish,  loathe, regret,resent... whatever you get the idea.  (It really helped me) 

 

I also put this video on my computer ,its a start.     

Namaste,

Grace

                           

8 Habits of Highly Effective Survivors

If you can make assumptions about a person based on the content of their bookshelf you would know this about me: 1. I must really, really like to garden 2. I dabble in eastern religion/new age philosophy 3. I enjoy fiction with a female protagonist. and 4.I have/had cancer or I am a super hypochondriac. I promise, if I ever take a date back to my place I'll hide the cancer books. Anyway, I have been reading a lot of books about cancer. The never-ending research project. I go to Barnes and Noble with every intention of finding a great new novel to escape to but I nearly always end up in the health/disease section. One life changing books for me is called CANCER 50 Essential Things to Do by Greg Anderson. Greg Anderson was told he had thirty days to live due to metastasized lung cancer. He refused to accept his prognosis so he interviewed 15,000 people that were supposed to die. This book lists the common strategies of these survivors.Except for the first strategy , I believe that everyone on earth can apply these strategies to enrich their lives.

There are 8 strategies:

1.Medical Treatment- The majority of survivors take on conventional treatment 96%. Which at first when i read that i was kind of bummed b/c I was just looking for a book to say fuck the doctors , its all a conspiracy. Then I realized, I did have conventional treatment. I had surgery and they took the tumor out, so there. I'm part of the majority too. One thing pointed out was survivors demanded hard evidence that all the treatments are going to work and they do not stop at conventional treatment. They take charge of their treatment and have the utmost confidence in their choices of treatment. In essence they start to take control of what seems like an out of control disease.

2. Beliefs and Attitudes- Survivors are realists. They believe that cancer does not always mean death, but they also are not walking around in denial of the possibility. I know that sounds kind of depressing, but we all are going to die eventually anyway . A survivors attitude is to invest their time in living the best life possible, which we can all take a lesson from. Often you hear that cancer was the best thing to happen to somebody which sounds ridiculous, but I think it lights a fire under your ass. I don't think cancer gives you a go directly to enlightenment card, but if you believe that its time to cherish your life and body it makes life worth it.

3. Exercise. Nine out of Ten Survivors emphasized the need for exercise. This is the part of the journey where I am now. I know I need to exercise. I need it to detox, balance my hormones,reduce blood sugars, improve my immune system and deal with the stress. You kind of cant make excuses when you think-if you don't exercise you are depriving your body of what it needs. I'm starting slow :long walks with Bosco, gym classes, and the elliptical. Three days a week minimum, i should be doing it 5 days but thats ok, by next week it will be. Funny thing, today it felt different at the gym than in the past. I looked into the mirror in front of the elliptical and I thought to myself "you are doing this for your life" not to be hot and skinny. Making sure you have the right music is key. The power of music can transform the whole process. If you start exercising for your life- your body thanks you.

4.Purpose/Play Balance- A sense of purpose is a common theme for survivors. They have missions whether it is to see somebody they love get married It is important to feel needed and wanted but not burdened with dependence of others. Survivors feel privileged to be able to help others. When you help others you help yourself. I struggle with this strategy. Not that I don't want to give, sometimes I get down about not having a family to take care of. Give me a break I am getting down about not meeting a survivor strategy! that is really counterproductive isn't it. My purpose is revealing itself to me every day and I am going with it. Giving all of yourself does not count, remember there is a balance in this strategy -the play. I wrote a fun list and i try to make sure I give myself something from it on a regular basis. This is an example of my fun list: see live music (WILCO at jazzfest if anyones going) , ride my bike, be creative, travel, movies,dancing, snowboarding, Hawaii, girlfriends, dates, roadtrips, horseback riding, hiking, kayaking, walking in the park, massages. Well you get the idea. Fun Heals and makes life worth living.

5. Social Support- Survivors invest more time in relationships that are nurturing and release the relationships that are toxic or at least put them on hold. Survivors are relationship sensitive and they examine who they will invest their energy on. Working on this one too (way too long of a story for this post) Social support also includes support groups.

6. Diet and Nutrition. Finally, a topic I can comment on with a little experience. There are different diets out there for cancer, but the commonality is that survivors are very aware about what they are putting in their body. Once you do your own research and figure out what you believe works it can be transformative. Suddenly you are eating for nutrition, not for a temporary "fix" of happiness. When I wanted something even though I knew it was not good for me I had to examine why I wanted it so bad. One day i literally cried because I just wished I didn't have cancer so I can have a mocha latte! This has been a crash course in Its not what you are eating , its what's eating you. Alas, I choose to love myself with food, not numb myself with food. This strategy gives you a great feeling of personal contro

7. Creative Thinking. This has a lot to do with meditation,imagery,affirmations and positive thinking. Positive thinking is not walking around thinking everything is fine, im going to be fine- thats denial. They reframe the illness. Remember survivors are realists they understand that their body has cancer, but not their mind and spirit. You gain control when you accept the illness and choose how to respond. Cancer no longer becomes a threat, but a challenge. We take on the challenge. The way you think is a huge part of this experience. The way you think is your choice.

8. Spirituality. Kind of funny to call it a strategy. Instead of focusing on what is wrong survivors see this life for all that is right and beautiful. For me, I truly understand universal suffering and the impermanence in life. When you accept everything this disease brings up you start to get the feeling that life is good no matter what happens. Life is beautiful and it doesn't end there .

Dear Cancer, I got your message

After i wrote my first post my friend commented on how this could be a good way to keep  people(if  interested) informed on whats going on  with me and where i am at with this disease.  Since I am (i think) going to continue posting a link on facebook, and there are so many old faces popping up i might as well start from the beginning.

 

A common question is how i found my lump.   I came home from finishing a garden install job late and exhausted.  I took a shower and fell asleep with a towel around me and woke up with my hand underneath my breast.  Pushed around a little and I knew.  I tried to be positive but from the very beginning it made sense, if that makes any sense.  I thought about the people in my life that had breast cancer and  I thought about the stress they had endured (usually quietly repressing) in the few years leading up to the diagnosis.  I thought about my divorce (wow, still hard to actually write) and how i never really dealt with it.  Fast forward..mammo,sono,biopsy.  

I was out gardening and i answered my cell and the doctor starting talking and told me i should plan for surgery  to grab a pen for surgeon recommendations.  I said   "  they will take the tumor out and test if its malignant or not?"  and then he said "oh, it is malignant"   It was an awkward moment for the both of us.  I called the family, gardened a little more believe it or not and drove home.  I went home went to my bedroom got stoned and stared out the window for a while.   I came to reality again and i picked up my highlighted  New Earth  book and just opened up to a random page.  That book at that moment saved me from falling into a poor me, why me sobbing mess.  From the beginning i had  an acceptance of  everything that was happening.  

In the weeks leading up to  my lumpectomy I had some energy work done and went to a yoga class for women with breast cancer but really all i was doing was getting fucked up using spending time with my friends as an excuse to numb the thoughts of what lie ahead of me.   After the lumpectomy my surgeon called to tell me the bad news that my margins were not clear ,but its common and they can try to clear it with another surgery.  The good news was the tumor was much smaller than originally thought to be and  i may not need chemo.  See they take your tumor if it didnt make the chemo cut and send it to a lab in california and they test it to see if chemo would even be beneficial.  In the time it took to find out i had two more surgeries.  The oncologist called the day of my last surgery.  No Chemo! It was the first time in my life i  cried tears of joy.  Unfortunately , the  2nd and 3rd surgeries did not clear it out. The cancer is in my milk ducts and western medicine thinks the best thing to do is just chop the breast off.  I was told i have a 20% chance of  it recurring.  I like to look at it being 80%  chance of it not.      I went to the breast reconstruction classes and i was considering just doing what the doctors told me.  I finally felt  the why me, poor me despair.  

I started to think about acceptance and that serenity prayer about changing the things i can and accepting the things i cant and the wisdom to know the difference.  I started doing my own research, consulting with practitioners, reading stories of survival.  I was scared and unsure.  I had to make a very hard decision and i needed to trust my gut.  One night i had a dream that i was in an airport and i ran into a girl that i met at the breast reconstruction class and when i looked over at her ,her breasts were leaking( ok it was a nightmare)  I woke up and i just knew that this was not the way for me.   I practiced guided journey with my shaman and I really did see an old wise woman.  She held my hand and we walked and she told me everything was going to be ok.  I listened to my spirit.  

 So I am going the alternative route.  I feel really good about my decision and i am an active participant in reversing this cancer.   I believe that cancer is a message from your Self and in order to reverse it  you have to listen to what it is saying and give it whatever it needs to release the power to heal.  Looking back I think the only way for me to learn this lesson was facing the extremity of what I was being told to do.  Usually the message is for change.  Partying with a sprinkle of bodywork was not the message.   I know i would have ended up in a dark place if i had the surgery ,and knowing what i know now it probably would have come back in the other breast.  So I'm keeping my fabulous beautiful breasts  and I am doing the best i can every day to heal my -Self.  Ok so now that i got that out of the way, my next post ,i will write what i am actually doing and what thousands of cancer survivors all have in common. 

Thanks for reading.  Peace- grace