Dear Cancer, I got your message

After i wrote my first post my friend commented on how this could be a good way to keep  people(if  interested) informed on whats going on  with me and where i am at with this disease.  Since I am (i think) going to continue posting a link on facebook, and there are so many old faces popping up i might as well start from the beginning.

 

A common question is how i found my lump.   I came home from finishing a garden install job late and exhausted.  I took a shower and fell asleep with a towel around me and woke up with my hand underneath my breast.  Pushed around a little and I knew.  I tried to be positive but from the very beginning it made sense, if that makes any sense.  I thought about the people in my life that had breast cancer and  I thought about the stress they had endured (usually quietly repressing) in the few years leading up to the diagnosis.  I thought about my divorce (wow, still hard to actually write) and how i never really dealt with it.  Fast forward..mammo,sono,biopsy.  

I was out gardening and i answered my cell and the doctor starting talking and told me i should plan for surgery  to grab a pen for surgeon recommendations.  I said   "  they will take the tumor out and test if its malignant or not?"  and then he said "oh, it is malignant"   It was an awkward moment for the both of us.  I called the family, gardened a little more believe it or not and drove home.  I went home went to my bedroom got stoned and stared out the window for a while.   I came to reality again and i picked up my highlighted  New Earth  book and just opened up to a random page.  That book at that moment saved me from falling into a poor me, why me sobbing mess.  From the beginning i had  an acceptance of  everything that was happening.  

In the weeks leading up to  my lumpectomy I had some energy work done and went to a yoga class for women with breast cancer but really all i was doing was getting fucked up using spending time with my friends as an excuse to numb the thoughts of what lie ahead of me.   After the lumpectomy my surgeon called to tell me the bad news that my margins were not clear ,but its common and they can try to clear it with another surgery.  The good news was the tumor was much smaller than originally thought to be and  i may not need chemo.  See they take your tumor if it didnt make the chemo cut and send it to a lab in california and they test it to see if chemo would even be beneficial.  In the time it took to find out i had two more surgeries.  The oncologist called the day of my last surgery.  No Chemo! It was the first time in my life i  cried tears of joy.  Unfortunately , the  2nd and 3rd surgeries did not clear it out. The cancer is in my milk ducts and western medicine thinks the best thing to do is just chop the breast off.  I was told i have a 20% chance of  it recurring.  I like to look at it being 80%  chance of it not.      I went to the breast reconstruction classes and i was considering just doing what the doctors told me.  I finally felt  the why me, poor me despair.  

I started to think about acceptance and that serenity prayer about changing the things i can and accepting the things i cant and the wisdom to know the difference.  I started doing my own research, consulting with practitioners, reading stories of survival.  I was scared and unsure.  I had to make a very hard decision and i needed to trust my gut.  One night i had a dream that i was in an airport and i ran into a girl that i met at the breast reconstruction class and when i looked over at her ,her breasts were leaking( ok it was a nightmare)  I woke up and i just knew that this was not the way for me.   I practiced guided journey with my shaman and I really did see an old wise woman.  She held my hand and we walked and she told me everything was going to be ok.  I listened to my spirit.  

 So I am going the alternative route.  I feel really good about my decision and i am an active participant in reversing this cancer.   I believe that cancer is a message from your Self and in order to reverse it  you have to listen to what it is saying and give it whatever it needs to release the power to heal.  Looking back I think the only way for me to learn this lesson was facing the extremity of what I was being told to do.  Usually the message is for change.  Partying with a sprinkle of bodywork was not the message.   I know i would have ended up in a dark place if i had the surgery ,and knowing what i know now it probably would have come back in the other breast.  So I'm keeping my fabulous beautiful breasts  and I am doing the best i can every day to heal my -Self.  Ok so now that i got that out of the way, my next post ,i will write what i am actually doing and what thousands of cancer survivors all have in common. 

Thanks for reading.  Peace- grace